Do we really need an iPhone?

Okay, frivolous lawsuit rant coming up. This is another reason I have lost hope in Americans these days, and really probably should move to another country. Sigh. So here goes:

A woman this week has sued Apple Computers over the recent price reduction of the iPhones. They came out in June, and two months later they reduce the price by 200 bucks. No big deal. Happens all the time. That’s why a person WAITS for the shiny new gadget to come out and get worked on by the general public before they buy it. Now leading up to the release of the iPhone, one heard all kinds of miracle claims that it was going to revolutionize the cell phone internet, business on the go industry. But for the most part, it’s just a shiny new gadget that no one really needs anyway.

Here’s the thing about new technology. Do we really need it? Mrs. Dogmei Li, did you really NEED an iphone? Does anyone really need one? I have a cell phone. I use it to call people, play a little poker ever now and then, maybe send a text message every now and again, and receive calls from friends. It works. It’s basic, simple, and I like it. You know what? It only cost me 50 bucks. Does all the same things an iPhone does and I didn’t spend 500 bucks. I didn’t wait outside the apple store at midnight on the day of the thing’s release, didn’t camp out for days waiting to see the wonderful new shiny gadget, and didn’t lose any sleep waiting for my phone to come out. I went to the store, got a cell phone, got a basic plan, and went on about my day. Simple, easy peasy, no problems.

Why on earth would anyone do this? Lady, this happens all the time. They said they would refund the 200 bucks, is this not enough for you? Now you are suing for 1,000,000 dollars. That’s quite a far cry from 200 dollars isn’t it? WHY!? To send a message? This will rank up there with stupidity like the Macdonalds coffee lady. Lady, you got ripped off. You went out and bought an iPhone on the very first day and felt proud of yourself. You probably showed it off to all your friends as a vanity show. I can see you now, “look at me,” you say. “I got an iPhone, aren’t I special.” No, you’re not. You suck. You screwed up by being impatient and vain and you want Apple to pay you for your stupidity. Fuck off, I hope someone steals your precious new wonderful piece of shit iPhone, just to show you what a fucking idiot you are.

And I’ve used an iPhone. You know what? It sucks! Really. The internet option hardly works all the time, the buttons are too small for your fingers, so you end up misspelling words most of the time, the browser is so tiny I had to use my reading glasses just to see, and you know what? There’s really nothing on the internet that I can’t wait until I get home to see, so why would anyone need this? And that brings up one of the purposes of this rant.

Why have we as a country decided to go about our lives acquiring all the useless shit peddled by the technocorps? Wasn’t life simple enough with just normal basic cell phones? Even before cell phones, people got a lot of stuff done. They went to work and used the phones there. They went home, and used their own phones. They didn’t feel the need to talk to someone with a gadget stuck to their ears 24/7. When did we get so fucking self important that we needed to be connected to everyone in our lives on a minute by minute basis? Where’s the down time? Where’s the stop and smell the roses and sit on the porch with your family and friends time? Where did that go?

And here’s another thing that pisses me off about the cell phone industry. Okay, we have your phones, and they work just fine. Who are these fucks that need a headset in their ear so when they walk down the street and you don’t see it, they look like they are talking to themselves? You ever see these jack offs? Are you so obsessed with yourself you need to feel like an important guy? These are the same fucks that complain about their steak not being cooked right, or the ones that suck on cigars while they carve up the world into little pieces and fuck the little guy that much more.

But I digress. I started by talking about this woman who wants to sue the Apple Corp. and I ended up with a rant about jackoffs and their cell phones. The real point I wanted to make before I ended up getting upset, was that we don’t really need the shiny new gadgets. We have gadgets that work, that are acceptable, and reasonably priced. Why do we need the shiniest, newest, and brightest Thing when the things we have do the same job and are cheaper?

DON’T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THERE’S A FUCKING WAR GOING ON?!

Sorry, had to scream that just to wake you folks up to the fact that 60-90 guys are dying every month in Iraq and Afghanistan just so you can complain about your overpriced gadget purchase. Why is it so hard for folks to understand that? Have we been so numbed in society that we forget these facts? Or have we become so selfish we don’t want to see the real big picture of what’s happening in the world so we deaden our minds to the cold hard realities of life by buying useless shit we don’t need at over inflated prices just to add to the gross domestic product of the Unites States? Whew…

So, Mrs. Li, you got raped by Apple. You bought into the hysteria, got the shiny overpriced gadget, and then got screwed by the global corporate Fuck machine. Get over it. Look at the bigger picture. Take the 200 bucks they are offering and learn from your mistake. Not everything shiny and new is necessary when the thing you have works just fine. Sorry, hate to say it, but that’s the truth. Here endeth the rant.

Why the news media sucks, and answers to the Mary Jane Question

Okay, we’ve all gone fucking crazy. Totally nut balls insane. I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been building up a hatred for a lot of things and it finally boiled over the surface. My doctor tells me I shouldn’t let things bother me so much but I just can’t stand it any more. The American public has gone over the deep end, and no one seems able or wanting to stop it. We’re all doomed. And here’s why.

First, there are a few things I have to get off my chest. While lately all the news hasn’t been really bad, what with Carl Rove leaving the administration and Alberto Gonzales doing the same, perhaps we can get someone besides a Bush crony to take those jobs. Here’s hoping. Maybe god does answer prayers. Next is Dick Cheney, but I’m not holding out much hope. But I don’t really want to talk about politics, except for a few things concerning our friend Mr. Craig.

Larry, we don’t care if you’re gay or not. Admit it, deny it, we don’t care. Mistakes happen. No reason to go on a witch hunt over a simple misunderstanding. But man oh man, could we give this guy a break already?! Why do we have to report on this kind of thing 24/7? Ask 100 Americans if they care about this guy and whether or not he’s gay and 99 of them will answer, “Who’s Larry Craig?” We don’t give a shit! Stop reporting salacious news like this as if we should care about it! And that brings up another problem that I have with the news, and the news media in general.

Over the past three months, there have been days when we have heard about the following subjects or people ad infinitum: Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith, Michael Vick, Katie Couric, Lindsey Lohan, Lady Diana, Hurricane Katrina, and umm…. What else? Hmm…. Oh yeah, Iraq. Here’s my problem: there’s only one topic in all of those that I need to hear about, care about, and that really bothers me. Iraq. We should be reporting on that disaster 24/7. It should be up front, right in our faces all the time. I want CNN and MSNBC to become the Iraq channels. I want to hear about what the troops are doing, what the insurgents are doing, what is being blown up, how the people of Iraq are living, and I want it in my face, and in every American face every fucking day! Why? Because it’s important to hear what’s happening over there every day. It’s important for every American rich and poor to see what our government is doing. Ask anyone about the Haditha massacre and they will answer “Huh?” I’m telling you, Americans are not being informed about this kind of thing. And if they are, they don’t want to hear about it because there are obviously far more important things to hear about than a war where our soldiers are butchering women and children. That’s bad news, we don’t want to hear it. We would rather go over and find out how Paris Fucking Hilton is doing in jail this week, what she’s eating, and who she’s talking to.

And here’s another thing, WE DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT PARIS HILTON, ANNA NICOLE, OR ANY OTHER FAT, THIN, EXOTIC, STUPID ACTRESS WHO GETS ARRESTED IN A DRUNK DRIVING CASE! WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT! STOP TELLING IT TO US AS IF IT WERE NEWS, BECAUSE IT’S NOT!

Sorry, just had to get that one off my chest. I’m a little better now. But really, do we need to know who the father of Anna’s baby is? I gotta tell you, I stayed up nights thinking about that question. It ran through my head like a hamster in a wheel, and when I finally found out, a load had been lifted. Now we can finally get some peace because we found out some drunk hillbilly actually had sex with the fat pig. THIS IS NEWS?! This is important for us to hear?! Really?!

And then there’s Paris Hilton. Poor dear, gets caught drunk driving and has to go to jail. Just like everyone else in the country that suffers the same fate. Do we hear about John Smith, the no name guy leaving the bar who gets pulled for the same thing? NO! Maybe in a police blotter on the back page of the style section in your daily paper, but not 24 hours a day on national news. This became a media event for 2 fucking days. Meanwhile dozens of people were slain in Iraq, but how much air time did they get? Couple of minutes at the top of the hour, that’s all. And that’s what is making me sick. We get the news of whatever hippie rock start, actor, wealthy socialite is doing, or drinking, or fucking, and we don’t hear what’s really happening in the world, what is really affecting us.

It used to be, prior to 24 hour news that we would hear about the things that mattered. I mean, really mattered. Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, Sam Donaldson, and others would tell us the real news, the important stuff, like what was happening in Vietnam during the 60s and 70s. We would hear about what the president was doing, what he said that day, and how this information affected our lives. We trusted them, they were informed, and they cared. What do we have now? A slew of uninteresting, uninformed, misguided hacks who couldn’t tell real news if it jumped out and hit them in the face. Oh sure, there are a few stand outs. Anderson Cooper for one is still telling it straight. The aforementioned Katie is still the genuine article, (and I’ll get with her in a minute), and Brian Williams still care about the real news, real hard hitting journalism that needs to be told. Would any of the assholes over at fox wade into murky flood water to save a trapped child? Fuck now, wouldn’t want to get our Armani suits dirty. Ask Anderson Cooper to do the same? Great! He’ll jump in and go to it. Why? Because he fucking cares about people, that’s why. He has passion to tell the truth, and that’s what we need in the media: people who aren’t afraid to tell the fucking truth, unfiltered, in your face. We need to care, and stop going around like a bunch of fucking sheep listening to fake news about celebrities and rock star whores as if it were fucking important. No wonder people in other countries think we’re stupid. It’s really true. Hate to burst the bubble for you folks, but Americans are really dumb sometimes. Ask Ms. Teen South Carolina 2007 about a map recently? This is what our edumacation system is learnin’ us these days?

Here’s another thing about our so called news programming that pisses me off. And I’m a little biased because I hate Fox News. So that is where my ire is going to be directed. Recently, they got on Katie about going to Iraq, and how it was dangerous, and about how she needed the ratings, and about how it was a publicity stunt, and oh, what about her poor little children? WHO GIVES A FUCK?! I don’t care about her ratings, her children, or any kind of publicity. We need to know what she is going over there to report about! We need to talk to the boys on the ground, we need to hear from the Iraqi people, we need to see what is actually happening over there. Fox news, if you want my thoughts, how about instead of getting a couple of pundits talking about why Katie is going over there and why she’s a bad person for doing so, why not spend that same amount of news time showing us actual fucking news! Here’s a thought, instead of having two idiot women talk about Katie Couric and why it’s a bad idea for her to go, take the same time and tell us the reason she had to go in the first place! She’s going because this war is in its fifth year and there has been no progress. How many of us hear about the catastrophic jump in military suicides over the past three years? How many of us hear about the rate of operation exhaustion, or the fact that most soldiers are on their third or fourth tour of duty? How many of us see the coffins of dead GIs come back from the war? Anyone? Hello? Oh yeah, I forgot. Paris Hilton just got arrested for drunk driving again and no one can figure out who the father of Anna’s baby is. Sorry, I thought there was real news on, forgive me for taking you out of reality for a while. Didn’t mean to rain on your celebrity parade there. Hmm? No, go on. You gotta hear about Britney and Lindsey and Anna, and Diana, and Nicole. Because these people really affect your lives. Really, they do. Not a day goes by, me wondering about what the fuck Paris Hilton is doing. Keep it up, Fox. I need to know all the Fair and Balanced Republican news you have to tell me. No wonder we’re stupid about the world. Katie, keep up the good work. Fuck the ratings. Tell the story. Be safe.

Now, on to some other stuff that has recently pissed me off. Michael Vick. You sorry sack of shit. You murdered dogs and left their carcasses to rot in your yard. You pissed them off and made them fight each other and you shot the losers in the head. Who does this?! What twisted fucking moron thinks this is a good idea?! You’re a fucking multi million dollar sports hero! Fucking act like one, stupid ass. And then you got caught. Awww… poor baby. “I’m sorry, didn’t mean to kill puppies. Kids, learn from my example, don’t murder dogs.”
That was what got me going over the edge. Kids learn from my example?! We didn’t need a fucking example! It’s just wrong on so many levels you have no idea! My kids know not to hurt puppies. Other kids know not to hurt puppies. Kids like puppies! Why do they need you as an example of what not to do?! You want to be an example to kids, why not play football and join the united way. Be a good guy. Sign autographs for free, kiss babies in the street, and donate a million dollars to a homeless shelter. Buy a poor person a house, a car, or food for their family. God knows you have enough money from catching a football every now and then. Be a good example, not a bad one. Kids didn’t need to have you be an example of what not to do. They already knew it, Mr. Vick. They already knew what not to do. Didn’t need you to tell them, thanks.

Okay, so I’m going to finish, but not before I get one more thing off my chest. Apparently, one can say all kinds of things in a negative light about our president. One can call Christians “Zombie worshippers”. One can say horrible things about all kinds of people in the world and not get even a hint of disagreement or anger about it. In fact, most of the people who have read my blogs give me positive feedback. But whatever you do, don’t piss off a feminist. Can’t say anything bad about women, that’s a no-no. Here’s a smattering of complaints about my last rant concerning good old Mary Jane Watson.

…Yes there are worse statues, ones which are sexually violent and down right offensive. But then, I should have a sense of humour about those too, right?...
Yes, you should. I think humanity needs to get a little less offended by something that doesn’t affect their lives, and get a little more offended by what does. That was the point of my rant about the statue.

…Speak for yourself, tovarisch. This man is getting better. And as for your "This is a lot of women who haven't gotten laid..." sideswipe, I suspect they're not the only ones that didn't get to go to the prom…

Yes, I went to the prom. I had a good time. I have a lot of fun with women. I grew up in a house full of them. And by writing this blog about the statue doesn’t mean I don’t love or respect them any less, comrade.

…You make me ashamed to be a hetereosexual white male,…

This one, I can’t even respond to. Wow… and it’s Heterosexual. You wouldn’t happen to be one of those metro sexual guys would you? And were you by any chance implying that I was homosexual? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

…Man, I can't imagine why women would feel that they were being treated like second class citizens. It's not like their opinions are dismissed with comments about how they really just need to get laid, or anything….

Here’s a thought. Maybe if women did get laid a little more they wouldn’t be so damn uptight about everything. Don’t over think us guys and you’ll do just fine. Give us a chance, we can get it right you just have to be patient with us. We want to hear what you have to say, but when you act all crazy and illogical we don’t know what to do. On this cause you just aren’t being logical. Hence the rant about how crazy nut balls insane you feminists are. So I went over the top. I did it to get a rise out of a few of you hard core bra burners out there. Get over it.

…You like women?...

Yes, in fact, I do. I love women. Take sex out of the picture and even then you ladies are mysterious, crazy, cool, and beguiling. We need you around to make us do things. We like having you around. You add life to the world, what’s not to love about that? The kind of women I don’t like are ones that have crazy over reactions to simple things that shouldn’t even be given any kind of attention at all. But yes, I love women dearly. And not just for the sex.

...Yeah, and having some black friends DOSEN'T make you a racist…

I don’t even know where to start with this one but I’ll give it a try. Are you implying by my rant against women that I’m a racist? I don’t know how these two subjects fit together. Having a gripe against women and having bad things to say about blacks is completely different. I have women friends, and I have black friends. See the explanation about women above, captain.
…You are allowed to make your opinons. But I reserve the right to say those opinons are pieces of CRAP…

You’re actually right on that. We live in a country that allows us to air our grievances. I’ll give you that one. And it’s opinions, by the way. However, we are getting to a point in this country where we can’t air our grievances and say what’s on our minds. I think it would be better for all involved to keep an eye on our civil liberties instead of a statue that affects no one. That way, when the bad guys come to your door to take away our books, you’re informed about it and it doesn’t come as a surprise. Just a thought.

…Your belief that the only women who are upset about this are unfucked overweight emo-goth girls who are blogging into the lonely wee hours of their nightly solitude just shows what an utterly backwards man you are…

Wow, totally missed the point on this one. And I saved this one for last because I wanted to explain the gist of the matter and why I ranted. First off, let me apologize to all you ladies I offended by my less than flattering manner of my last blog. Apparently a lot of you kittens don’t like a man who tells it like it is and gives you the straight scoop about male and female relations. Most of my rant came from personal opinion and what I’ve seen about the world as a guy. But you gotta admit, you ladies are a little nuts sometimes. I know why, too. You have a different brain chemistry, you are actually a bit smarter than men, and you expect us to be just as smart as you. That’s what pisses you off about us. You’re looking at people every day that would rather jerk off on the couch watching Kathy Lee than go out and work for a living if given the choice. We men do shit for thrills, ever watch the show Jackass? We all would do things like that. The only reason most of us grew past the maturity of a 12 year old boy is that we had to get jobs and a family and add to the gross domestic product. But if you ladies weren’t here, we’d be beating each other over the head with sticks just to see what would happen and to have a laugh. You make us do shit. And that’s why we like having you gals around. Without you we’d be more barbaric than we are now. So sometimes, we like to look at something that makes us go “Zing!” and the statue of Mary Jane was just that: something nice to look at in the wee hours of the morning before we have to get up and go do shit. So, I’m finishing this up, and based on the comments I’ve received about this topic I think I’m going to leave it alone. I’ve had my say, that’s how I feel, and if you feel the need to call me on anything above, please do so. Just don’t expect me to say anything else about it. And here endeth the rant.

Oh, Mary! Put some clothes on girl, before the Feminists start going nuts!

Okay, here’s where I am really confused about the causes people get behind. Wow. I’m telling you women out there: please, do grow up. Get a sense of humor, would you please? Have a little tolerance and learn to let things go. Men are never going to change; we’re never going to get better. What you see is what you get, so get over it and just do what you can to maybe think on our level for a minute? I’ll explain.

Recently, there has been a lot of flap about the new sideshow collectibles Mary Jane statue. She’s standing in a suggestive pose, barefoot, thong showing, tattered jeans wearing a tight shirt, and last but not least, a pearl necklace. And we all know what that means, huh guys… Oh, and she’s washing Spidey’s costume in a bucket. She’s looking at the audience with a come hither look, as if she and Spidey had just finished the most glorious monkey sex while in his costume. Here’s a place for pics: http://www.sideshowtoy.com/cgi-bin/category.cgi?item=6818

Ladies, (and the gents who want to get into their pants by supporting them), please, would you shut the fuck up about it already? I mean, come on! It’s a toy statue, there’s thousands of them, haven’t you ever seen manga? So what if she’s suggestively posed? So what if she’s wearing a thong? Are you really that furious that she’s doing the laundry? The following are some of the comments I’ve read about this from the feminist element out there. They run like talking points you’ve all heard them about other things.
“This represents exploitation of a strong woman in a male, sexually dominated pose.”
“This is ugly, and my 12 year old son hates it.”

“Mary Jane Parker is a strong, career oriented woman, and she would never be caught dead in something like this!”

“This is an insult to female comic readers!”

“How come she’s not pregnant? That’s the only thing Marvel missed.”

“And a pearl necklace, too?”

Now, allow me to respond, but first let me preface this whole statement with a disclaimer:

Ladies, if you feel you may get offended by what I have to say in the following, you may be right. I speak my mind, I don’t hold back, and I tell the unvarnished truth about life the way I see it. If you are easily offended by men who like to stick up for their gender by telling it like it is, then go away. Your best bet is to stop reading right now, for your own good because what I have to say is rather harsh. Thank you.

Now, I love women, I really do. I grew up with 5 sisters, and I like to think I have a pretty good handle on how to treat women. Opening doors, being nice, respectful, and all that. I’ve never had a complaint from a woman about me being a cad, a jerk, or misogynistic. I really love women. Everything about them really turns me on. They are strong, courageous, can take a lot of pain and come back fighting, spirited, talented and creative individuals. They create life for god’s sake! Guys wouldn’t even think about pushing a huge ball out of a 10 centimeter hole. Have you ever heard us trying to get rid of a big shit? It sounds like we’re fighting in a gladiator movie. Birth is a wonderful experience, and I watched my wife do it twice. I appreciate all you women do for us guys, and what you make us do for you. In the end, there’s a reward. Thank the lot of you for putting up with us.

For the record, I’d like to say I think this whole thing can be summed up thusly. This is a lot of women who haven’t gotten laid that much and need something to bitch about. The lot of them are probably a bit overweight, Emo Goth girls that no one wants to date, uptight feminist women who have been abused by a man more than once, girls who never got asked to the prom, or whatever slight they think men have done to them. I’m sure all of them have an issue with men as a race. I’m sure of it. But can we get some perspective here? Think of the audience for this statue. And first of all let me say this: I’m ambivalent about the statue. I don’t care one way or the other. I own worse than this. I used to work in a comic store where this kind of thing was commonplace to look at. It’s like the bouncer at a strip club. See that much tits and ass and you become immune to looking at it. It doesn’t affect you anymore. That’s how I feel about this. Sure, it’s a great looking statue, the pose, the eyes, and all that. Perfect fantasy pose, overdone features, tits that hang like Brianna Banks. I can’t get upset by it, because I’m a man, and I don’t really care one way or the other. The Europeans in the audience would agree with me, “Why are you getting upset by that?”

There are several things I’d like to say here to you gals who think this is upsetting you, or whatever the feminist dogma you’ve been preached at your whole lives. Let me let you in on a little secret: men like this kind of stuff. No really, we do. We like looking at big breasted thong wearing sex kittens. It turns us on. Why? Because, we have penises. Get used to it. Ladies, every guy out there has looked at naked pictures of women and drooled. Even when we were kids, national geographic was our porn. Men like looking at the naked female form. It’s hardwired into our brains to appreciate the female form. It’s our basic reason to exist and the only way to stop it is to close our eyes! So get over it and complain about something else that is more important! Like the war, or the NSA wire tapping, or the firing of justices for political reasons, or the violence against women in Darfur!

This is directed at fan boys! Kids and older men, perverts all, who want to see something like this and buy it because it looks cool and would go with their collections. And yes, we really are like that. There may be some sensitive guys out there who will be all about “I’m all for equality of the sexes.” And “I don’t like it either, it’s exploitive crap and I won’t have it in my house, darling. Now let’s see about those drapes for the kitchen window.” And I’m down with that. Whatever floats your boat. I’m all for equality as well, but I like to be gallant every now and then, and open a door for a woman, not because I want to get into her pants, but as a show of respect. That’s all. We’re not all pussy hungry drooling maniacs; some of us actually have a fondness for you ladies. But can you give us a few things and not bitch? Like this statue. Is it hurting you? Is it the worst thing in the world? Is it the most offensive thing you’ve ever seen? No, no, and no. So let it go. Your vitriol will not change anything; it won’t make Marvel collapse on its ear. It won’t make sideshow collectibles pull the piece. In fact it only makes it better for them when you DO bitch about it. I wouldn’t have found it if the squeaky wheels out there hadn’t started up. This kind of thing has been around since the beginning of comic books. Scantily clad woman in tight suits with big boobs and sexy suggestive poses. There have been complaints about this sort of thing since the beginning and it all comes down to a bunch of prigs who haven’t been laid in a while and need to be heard. And to all you dames out there who think it IS a bad thing to show women doing laundry for her man, it is not because she was ordered to do it by an abusive dominating man. Sometimes women do laundry for their men because it’s a nice thing to do for the ones they love. So quit your complaining, and go find something more worthwhile to bitch about. Like the illegal war in Iraq, the genocide in Darfur, NSA wiretapping, and a host of other things this administration is doing to take more and more of your freedoms away from you. Here endeth the rant.

Just more stuff that's pissing me off.

This rant is a catch up for a lot of stuff that's been building up and I finally decided to put it all out there. I've also been dealing with a shoulder injury lately that keeps me from writing for a long time. This one's been building up. And if you feel insulted or upset by this, then deal with it. I'm not in charge of you, and you can stop reading at any time. Got it? Okay here goes.

Those evil cartoons, roll one up kids, Tom's doin' it so it must be cool.
Turner broadcasting is going back through old cartoons from the past 50 years and getting rid of all the incidences of smoking by cartoon characters. This is prompted by a complaint by one, yes, ONE, single, not plural, person that thinks showing tom and jerry rolling a cigarette sends the wrong message to the kids and glamorizes smoking. Sure, ok. That makes sense. Why don't we just burn all the cartoons. Get rid of all this history, and tell the kids that we can't let them see these offensive animated shorts. I mean, hell, there's all kinds of other things in the cartoons to be upset about, racial stereotypes, drug use, drinking, death, murder, prostitution, sex, and mail fraud. Why stop with cartoons though? Why not just go with all printed media and video? I mean, every time I watch Pulp Fiction I want to shoot up heroin, do we need to get rid of that movie too?
In all the world, we have a civil war raging in Iraq, we have record homelessness, kids dying of starvation in the United States, an illegal wire tapping law created by the most evil fucking president in the history of our country but yet here is this woman, Betty Q. Stickintheass, who decides to go on a quest to end smoking in cartoons. Way to go lady, way to go. Way to be hypersensitive. Fucking idiot. Give me a break.
Now, you're asking me "Well, how do you know it's a woman?" the article said simply "viewer" so there was no talk of gender. Trust me I know. It's easy to tell. Do you really think a guy would take the time to call Turner broadcasting, or write a letter to the board of directors and complain about something as insignificant as this? No. We'd be laughing along with the kids when Tom rolls a cigarette with one hand because it's cool, it's savvy, and he's trying to impress a broad. (See, that's what they used to call women back in the 30's and 40's. broads, dames, chicks. But apparently you can't use those words anymore for fear of getting beaten by the feminists out there)
Here's the reasoning behind the decision to cut the smoking parts from cartoons and edit out the past. It may lead children to think smoking is glamorous. So, they'll start smoking too because Tom and Jerry do it. That's it. Pretty ridiculous huh? Really, would anyone in their right mind decide to start smoking simply because a cartoon character showed them it was cool? No. I smoke. I'm not advocating smoking here, but the reason I started was not by watching a cartoon. I was stressed out after an emotional upheaval in my life and a friend gave me a cigarette. It felt good and after a while I just kept doing it. There. No cartoons, no cigarette ads, just the good old marital separation. So before you start on this cause of banning smoking in cartoons, try this: call your congressman instead and tell him to do something about the escalation in Iraq. And grab a cig while you're at it. It might alleviate the stress of having to deal with a politician anyway.

An inconvenient Truth, quoted for Truthiness, and why I'm so fucking sick of the creationists out there.
Okay, here goes. Recently in Seattle, a school banned the showing of "an Inconvenient Truth" because…wait for it… it didn't show the accurate truth of the bible and the "theory" of creation. Here's a quote. Which I will break down for the absolute stupidity of the whole thing. Okay here goes.
"Condoms don't belong in school, and neither does Al Gore. He's not a schoolteacher," said Frosty Hardison, a parent of seven who also said that he believes the Earth is 14,000 years old. "The information that's being presented is a very cockeyed view of what the truth is. ... The Bible says that in the end times everything will burn up, but that perspective isn't in the DVD."
Alrighty then. "condoms don't belong in school" really? Because I could really have used a few when I was galavanting around in high school. I'm sure a lot of kids would be happy to get a few condoms from teachers. Raging hormones and unprotected sex is adding yearly to the teen pregnancy and STD levels. What's so wrong with sex? What do these people have against teenagers going to town in the back of mom's minivan after soccer practice?! Is it affecting you? No! so shut up about it, and give the kids some condoms. They'll thank you later when you don't become a grandparent in your early 30s. "Al Gore is not a schoolteacher." Hmmm… that's interesting, because he is a lawyer, and a former Vice president, and was elected president before Katherine Harris was bought off by the republican death machine. I would think that gives him the right to tell us what he thinks about global warming, since he has done the fucking research. Frosty, (and here we have another uptight woman, because I don't see a parent naming a boy child "Frosty") have you done the research about the revalation? Oh right, you read the bible, a collection of stories written by monks a long time ago and saying the earth was created out of nothing in 7 days. Sure that's a good tale but you know what Frosty? IT'S A FUCKING BOOK! IT'S ALL MYTH AND FABLES! If you think for one minute that all the stuff in the bible is true, you are so sadly mistaken I pray for your children. I really do. The shit you're putting into their brain is going to make them look like idiots when they get out into the real world.
"The information that's being presented is a very cockeyed view of what the truth is…"
Talk about Truthiness, the creation myth in the bible is one of those stories that has been sold to the world as the Truth, when science has proven it wrong on so many levels. I'm surprised we still have an old testament. "The Bible says that in the end times everything will burn up, but that perspective isn't in the DVD." Of course its not Frosty. And do you know why? BECAUSE ITS NOT THE TRUTH! And it has no relationship with what Al Gore's message is! He's saying that we produce greenhouse gasses that are creating massive climate change. He's not talking about the Revelation. He's talking about the destruction of our ecosystem and the pollution of the air and seas. There's no reason to bring up ANYTHING about the Revelation because it's irrelevant to the fucking discussion, moron! You want to talk about blood raining from the skies, the number of the beast and the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, do it in Sunday school. Me, I'd rather have my kids watch a show about something that is relevant to them, is happening right now, and SHOULD be discussed! Why would you deny your children knowledge of what they have to deal with in another 20 years? Scientists agree we've got 10 or 20 years left before we get to a point of a massive shift in climate. Your children are going to have to deal with this Frosty. They aren't going to have to deal with the four horsemen, unless you want to equate the metaphor for massive plague, war, famine and death. So my advice to you, Frosty, is that you sit down, shut the fuck up, and let your school system do its job and teach the truth to the kids. Keep your bible out of our school system and your creationist theory in your own home, not the classroom. You're wrong, the teacher is right, and Al Gore is correct. And that is the Truth, sorry it's so Inconvenient for you to hear.

The escalation Theory, and the Brainless White House
I'll just come right out and say it. George, you're wrong. 27. I want you to remember that number. 27%. That's your approval rating right now. One week after the speech, and only 27% of Americans think you're doing a "heckuva job". My question is this: where are these 27 people out of a hundred that like you? I'm thinking they are made up of family members and Saudi Americans because the folks I'm talking to in my neighborhood think this newest strategy stinks of Vietnam. Also, 20,000 troops, that's it? That's all you have left? Way to go, send a message of the most dominant military in the world. 20,000 new raw recruits, barely out of basic training and you're sending them into one of the most dangerous places on the planet with no combat training. Do us a favor, give them all bodybags because they're going to need them. And pray for the families right now, get it over with so you don't have to later on. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING GEORGE?! All of your advisers warned against this. All the people you asked have told you to get the fuck out of Iraq and you still want to send more guys into harms way. For what? Yes, we all know it's the oil and the no bid contracts for haliburton and the Saudi oil money, you can come right out and say it. Come clean and we might, just might, decide to like you a bit better. Maybe not though you lying Prick. I'm really surprised that the American people have not risen up as one and marched into the white house, dragged you out of bed, and shot you in the fuckin' brain pan by now. Clinton gets a hummer from a government clerk and you people want to bring him down for it. You start a war, kill thousands of innocent people, give money to fat cat wealthy business men, rape the poor for as much money as possible then throw them away like trash, (or let nature do the trick for you. "Heckuva Job" by the way.), and you haven't been taken out of office by now? HOW DO YOU FUCKING SLEEP AT NIGHT YOU EVIL SADISTIC FUCK?! Okay, I'm done now. I think I've vented enough. I'll probably get a call from the secret service or a million creationists, but that's okay. I feel I've done my job today. Here endeth the rant.

Red Party Distractions and Conduct unbecoming a Statesman

Okay, it’s been a while, but I think now I have seen it all. It is amazing what causes people get behind as if these causes were the most important thing in the world to discuss. I’m speaking of gay marriage, banning flag burning, and stem cell research. I mean here we are, at the beginning of a major war that could cause the deaths of thousands of innocent people around the world. Currently Israel is attacking Lebanon and a terror organization that wants to bring them down. We have a war in Iraq that is killing citizens all over that country, and by all rights can be classified as a civil war.
Hundreds of children across the country go without food, we are paying record amounts for a gallon of gas, the environment is going to hell and we see no way of stopping the downhill slide of our over consumption of natural resources in this planet. We as Americans are addicted to oil, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and other hazardous chemicals, and there seems to be little being done about it. And yet, here we are, in congress, the senate, and on religious websites and news shows, talking about gay marriage bans, stem cell research bans, and flag burning bans.
Shouldn’t we be discussing a ban on WAR?!! Especially an illegal war with a country that didn’t have anything to do with attacking us? What are our leaders thinking? I guess they aren’t. Now a lot has been said about the gay marriage initiative. When did this country lose sight of inclusion and all men being equal? It’s all well and good for normal people like men and women to get married, have kids, raise a family, get a mortgage, join the PTA and live a happy life like cracker whitey suburbanites, but it isn’t good for two gay men or two gay women to do the same thing? How is that affecting you? How is that affecting the institution of marriage? And why of all things should it warrant a congressional bill to ban such a thing? When did the puritans start ruling the roost again? Didn’t they die out during the 1700s? The idea that all men are created equal works for Steve and Dianne, but not for Joe and Jack? Fuck that! Grow up and get with the new century. Besides, we’re talking what maybe 10% of the entire community of the country that is actually homosexual? And of that 10% you are trying to do away with maybe 1% of the population of gay people who want to actually tie the knot? Okay, let’s work on the numbers. We recently crossed the threshold of 3 hundred million people in the US. So 10% is 3,000,000. I’m sure that most of those are kids, old people, handicapped, etc, so we’ll take out half of them, just to be sure. Maybe bring the number to 1,500,000. Okay, so now, let’s go to the percentage of gay folks that actually want to tie the knot. I’ll give it 1% just because that’s the national average, give or take a percentage or two either way. Now these numbers may or may not be correct, but I’m using this for the sake of argument. I’m sure not every gay person wants to get married. Some of them just want to party and have fun and live life. So, getting back to the 1%: that leaves what 15,000 folks wanting to get married. now, if all of these people find love and get hitched, what do we have 7,500 gay married couples going about their business and having a great time together, living together and adding to the GDP of the country in the form of items of domestic living such as houses, cars, and trinkets to beautify the home.
So lets go to the numbers with the rest of heterosexual land. Of the 3 hundred million people in this country, take out 3,000,000. that leaves 297,000,00 people. Fully half of those are married, so we’ll have over 150 million married people in this country. I fail to see how 7500 gay couples match up to that amount. That’s like France feeling threatened by Andorra. It ain’t gonna happen. So get over it, let the gays have their marriage, and get on to a new topic to ban, like the war in the middle east that’s costing innocent lives and huge amounts of future taxpayer dollars.
Next: Stem Cell research bans. WTF? Okay, it’s an embryo in a dish. Using that embryo to help save thousands of lives is a small price to pay. We’re talking about curing diseases here, not the sanctity of life and every child is sacred. Sure, I agree that children are a true gem in the world, the paragons of the future civilization, etc. but these are frozen eggs, and no one has any emotional attachment to them at all. There’s no woman pining over her lost egg, no man wishing and wanting a son hoping to be grown in a lab, none of that. These are simply eggs that are being used to further the cause of life saving medical technology. HOW IS THIS A BAD THING? And why does a president decide that this is the bill he’s going to Veto? And senator Brownback, just shut the fuck up already. Posters from kids with talking embryos and eggs is bullshit. You know it, I know it, and the rest of the country knows it. Do yourself a favor, sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up, and stop making an ass of yourself already. Once again, the puritans are starting to rule the roost. We can’t let that happen, folks. We really can’t. And am I wrong, or do millions of women every month expel eggs from their reproductive organs? How come no one is lamenting all of those eggs and trying to ban the menstrual cycle? This attitude that every life is sacred only works until the kid grows up to be 18 and then is taken into the brutal republican Bush war machine. Fuck that, not my kids. Sorry George.
Now, I’m as patriotic as the next guy, but there comes a point when it goes overboard. Take the flag burning ban, and bills in congress to stop this from happening. Doesn’t this go back to the first amendment, free speech, etc? I understand the reverence for the flag, I really do. Thousands of men and women died to give us that symbol of our nation, and it burns me up when anyone decides to put one to the torch. However, those men and women died for our basic freedoms as well. And one of those freedoms is our right to show our discontent with the current government. Burning the flag is one of those displays of anger. And it is protected under the freedom of speech. I don’t see any congressmen or senators trying to ban KKK rallies with their Nazi hate speech, why should we ban flag burning? It’s the same type of displaying the 1st amendment. It’s gotten to the point that if you even think of doing anything to the flag you are instantly branded as a “terrorist” even if you are displaying it hanging upside down or letting it hit the ground. Please. Do grow up and let it go already. I fail to see how burning the flag harms anyone. The world is not all black and white, and we can no longer think in such “one or the other” terms. I’m as patriotic as the next guy, but if I decide to march in a peace parade and burn an effigy of president bush, does that make me a terrorist? No. It makes me an American citizen who is allowed by my very rights to show discontent for the current governmental system.
And this gets back to my first argument. When did all of these topics become hot button issues? Oh wait, I remember now, we have a mid term election coming up this year and the republicans are starting to feel the heat of all their bad mistakes from the past. Monetary mismanagement at the highest levels, bribes, getting in bed with some of the most greedy motherfuckers in the country, and backing a failed war in the middle east have put a stain on the republican party. They need to come out all moral so they can galvanize their cracker whitey base. They need to show Jesusland that they are all for the sanctity of marriage, even though the numbers are heavily skewed. They need to show that they think all life is sacred and that they are pro life, even though they are pro death by sending thousands of American soldiers into a new Vietnam. And they need to show they are patriotic citizens who hate terrorists, because if you burn a flag you are unpatriotic and that classifies you as a terrorist.
So get ready for the mid terms, where you’ll hear a lot of folks in the Republican party start coming out with all of these topics more and more to distract you from the realities of the situation. They will bring up how moral and Christian and patriotic they are, all the while trying to distract us from the untenable war in Iraq, record poverty, rising gas prices, a trillion dollar deficit, the growing crisis in Israel, the growing crisis with North Korea, the mounting debt to the Chinese, and the fact that our status in the world is in the shitter because of our stupid fucking moron of a president. Hey, George: SHE’S THE CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY FOR FUCKS SAKE! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? SHE WASN’T A CONGRESSIONAL STAFFER, SHE’S THE LEADER OF GERMANY! HELLO?! What did you think she was going to do? Also, next time you talk. Do it with your mouth empty, not snacking like a homeless guy at an all you can eat buffet. And you wonder why people in this country are embarrassed? Why don’t you start acting like a statesman instead of a down home idiot cowboy from now on? Grow up already, you’re acting like a fucking 15 year old, not the president of the strongest country in the world. Can you do that for us please?
Here endeth the rant.

Conquest and Empire: A Letter to George about Iran.

So, here we are again, yet another country that needs to go, Iran. Country number 3 on the Axis of Evil. Next up, North Korea. But let’s talk about Persia, shall we? Hey, aren’t we already bogged down in a war in the deserts of Iraq? Aren’t we already fighting in Afghanistan against the Taliban? Didn’t we create enough terrorists with both of these wars of American Imperialism, we need the country in between to control the world’s Oil supply? How fucking stupid can you get George? How fucking idiotic can you be? I still can’t fucking believe that this asshole is our president. How stupid did we become as a nation to allow this shit to happen twice? TWICE! But I’m going to be nice for a moment, and talk openly to King George for a minute. Man to man. Citizen to President.

Mr. Bush.

Listen, I know you really want to control the world. I would too if I had your power. But take a cue from Stan Lee. “With great power comes great responsibility.” I know you have the power. You command the world’s greatest military. You have “nucular” weapons. You could obliterate entire countries on a whim. You have men who will jump in front of a bullet for you, guarding you at all times. I know that kind of power must be intoxicating, I really do. I, as John. Q. Public, could never imagine having that much power. But here’s the thing about power.
Having it, and using it for the right goals, is where the responsible part comes into play. Sure, Iran is ruled by people with a different ideology than you. I mean, you worship a zombie, and they worship some prophet. Am I mistaken or do both of these guys preach about peace, love, tolerance and forgiveness? And the way you feel about your lord, and the way you invoke his name all the time, one would think that you would have gotten it by now. So how do you justify the killings of innocent citizens in Iraq? How do you justify the torture camps you have set up around the world? And how do you justify lying to the American public to sell a war that has killed thousands? Is this the will of Jesus? Or is it your own personal crusade against the Muslim world? Maybe, you want the oil, perhaps? I think it’s just that. So hear me out.
We don’t need another intractable war that’s going to cost thousands of American lives. We really don’t. First off, you have two stunningly major problems. Money and resources. Where are you going to find the money to pay for yet another war? China? Get further in debt? How are you going to pay for it? My kids are already going to have to pay off the Iraq war until they die. Do you want my grandchildren to pay for another foray into the desert? How fucking selfish can you be? But I digress. Sorry, I got a little hotheaded there. I’ll remain civil now. Second, you have the resources problem.
Let me give you a little lesson in history, since you seem to have failed to grasp the concept in school. During World War II, in which your father fought, I think I remember correctly, Adolph Hitler was trying to take over the world. He thought he was the only one in the world who knew how to run it perfectly. So, he started war after war after war against France, England, Russia, Africa, and pretty much all the countries around the Mediterranean. He was flying high there for a few years. He even had a good handle on things, but you know what? It failed. Why? He ran out of resources. He ran out of manpower. He ran out of money.
So, what happened? He lost the war. Even though he was convinced up to the end that he was right, he lost. So why am I bringing this up? Because I think you are going down the same road militarily, and I want to warn you. Please, don’t.
Now, I know you think you are right about this one. But first, where is the money going to come from? Where are the soldiers going to come from? With ever declining recruitment into your military, where are you going to go for troops? Other countries? Do you really think other countries will want to give up their children for your crusade? I don’t think so. If they didn’t do it for your first jaunt into the Persian sandbox, they won’t do it again. No matter how much diplomacy and money you pay them, they won’t do it. It goes back to the “fool me once, can’t fool me again,” thing. So, what do you do then? Institute a draft? Let me tell you something right now. Do this, and you will finally have a rebellion on your hands. And I’ll be the first to tell you right now, so you listen, and listen good. I have 2 teenagers, a son and a daughter. In about two or three years they will be eligible for military service. You will not get them under any circumstances. You hear me? NEVER will I allow my children to join your foolish crusade in the desert for control of the world’s oil resources. Never. So don’t ask. And here’s the thing about that.
I know of several thousand other people who feel the same way. And these people are in the 70% who disapprove of the job you are doing. So almost three quarters of the Americans in the world don’t like you policies, shouldn’t that be a message to start listening to this majority? Or did you fail math as well? Maybe that’s obvious when one looks at the estimates for how much the Iraq war was going to cost. That one has come in WAY over budget. Do you really want to explain to the American public why the next one is going to come in way over budget too?
So, how are you going to sell this war to us, George? Terrorism? Nucular weapons? Ties to the 9/11 plot? Fear? Let me explain something to you. The American public is starting to get wise to this brand of fear mongering. We are starting to figure out things, sir. We are starting to figure out the lies, the stories, and the real reasons you want to continue your romp in the desert playground. We’re on you sir, and its high time you started listening to us. Because one day, you might not have this job anymore, and that day may be coming sooner than you think. You invade Iran, and you may be looking at Impeachment. The big “I” word. Looming ever present in every thing you do. We’re watching you like a hawk, and it’s only going to take a few more straws to break that camel’s back. Invading Iran is going to be one of those last straws.
So, what can you do to turn things around? First, why not try a little compassion? Why not try listening for a change? Why not try to talk to Iran first and see what they are really up to before you jump to conclusions? You are a diplomat aren’t you? Isn’t that part of being the ruler of one of the greatest nations in the world? Isn’t that part of the job description you were hired to do?
Second, why not try to help out the citizens of this country? We have an ever widening gap between poor and rich. The middle class is slowly shrinking. The jobs you are supposedly creating are not paying the bills. People have to get three and four jobs just to make ends meet. Lowering taxes on the rich to spread the wealth to the poor isn’t cutting it. This model has been used by presidents before and it never worked, so why do you think it will work for you? Give a wealthy guy a tax break and he’s going to buy a yacht with that money, not give it to some poor family so they can make their rent that month. Sure, maybe one or two might give to some charity, but that’s not going to help. You think by giving rich guys who own businesses a tax cut they are going to hire more people? No! These folks are going to put that money in banks, and save it, or put it in the stock market to make more money so they can screw the poor that much more. Here’s a thought, how about giving poor people a tax break? Sure I know that the Earned Income Credit is good for them and all, but let’s just say that you gave everyone who earned under 20 grand a year total forgiveness from taxes for one year. People in that income bracket don’t have to pay taxes at all. Think of how much money would be spent to good use, how many people would be out of debt? How many people would be adding to the Gross Domestic Product instead of taking from it? Just a year is all we’re asking.
You do that, and I think your approval numbers would jump through the roof. But I don’t think it’s going to happen any time soon. You’re too narrow minded. You still don’t get it. There are still too many rich guys you are beholden to in order to be compassionate and kind. Hence your new gesticulations toward Iran. So why don’t you come right out and tell us the truth about your new aims against Mesopotamia? Its all about the oil. We know that, you know that, and you know we know that. So why the lies? We aren’t that stupid George. We are getting wise to you, just to let you know.
Fool us once, you can’t fool us again.

Thanks for listening,
Terrainmonkey.

So, I know that King George will never read this, nor will he listen should he somehow find this note on the web and read it. I’m just an average guy who is filling the information superhighway with so much more clutter. But I would love for it to happen, I really would. I would really like to have faith in our government that they listen to the will of the people, but I’ve lost my faith. Americans need to get off their asses and do something about the way our government is acting right now. Put the potato chips down, turn off American Idol, and fucking do something! Are we that fat and lazy as a Body Public to do what needs to be done to take our country back? Why are we letting our country be controlled by these money grubbing fucks? Oh wait, we’ve got to vote on the next new pop star. We can’t be bothered to go vote for who runs our country, that takes too much time and effort. We’d rather just pick up the phone and dial it in.
“Honey, hand me that bag of fritos over there, I like Tristan better than that cute redneck girl. Give me the phone while yer at it. What’s that? Tomorrow’s voting day? Aw hell that means I have to get in the car and drive down the street, wait in line for an hour, and pick the lesser of two evils. Naah, I’d rather just pick up the phone and dial it in.”
Have we really gotten that lazy? When more people vote for the next American Idol instead of the President and Rulers of the country, it’s sad to say I think we have. And that’s why I’ve lost faith in Americans too. Here endeth the rant.

Don't put shoes on the native's feet

Imagine that, another religion rant. I just felt the need to come right out and say a few things about some of you “Christians”. Now, before you get all crazy on me, hear me out. I’m a Christian. I basically follow my own brand of personal philosophy that helps me get through the day. But here’s the thing, you don’t have to go through the son to get to god. It’s not like he’s not listening anyway. There’s no celestial middleman here, it is the same dude.
Now, here’s my complaint. Yesterday I was minding my own business, selling junk in a yard sale. This was Sunday, and a lot of god fearin’ folk around here go to church. There are about 7 within a rock’s throw from my house. I live in a tiny community and everyone knows everyone else. So, since I just recently moved into town, I have been invited to more than a few of these churches, by some nice folks. Usually the conversation starts with them asking where I go to church, or if I have found a church yet. I usually answer yes, I go to my father’s church when I visit and I also have my own faith. I usually walk away at that point because I let people believe the way they want and I keep my religion to myself. Usually people are respectful of that. Usually. Then we get to people like the following.
Okay, so, back to the yard sale. A white van pulls up, filled with a Cracker family. I mean white bread and grits all the way. The man steps out, long hair, beard, and a suit that’s probably the only one he owns. This is his “Sunday goin’ to chuch suit”. So, he comes over and says, “Hey, we noticed you were here, and wanted to invite you to our church.” Here we go again, I’m thinking. “We’re Baptist, and right up the road is where we worship, you aught to come join us.”
“Well,” I answered, trying to be as polite as possible, “I have my own faith, I’m not really into the whole church thing, sorry.” He looked as if he had been slapped in the face. As if my not going to church was offensive to him and he couldn’t believe it. I wanted to walk away right there, but I was stuck. Currently there was just him and me in a field surrounded by plastic toys, comic books, lamps, and other wares we were selling that day. There was no escape.
“Why don’t you go to church?” he asked, incredulous at the thought. “How can you live without Jesus in your life?” Then he went on this whole spiel about smoking weed all day, getting drunk, beating his cracker wife, yelling at his kids, being a burnout, etc. you know the stories. Ask any “born again” and you’ll here the same sad tale of family problems, drug and alcohol abuse, and being on the street homeless. Now, I’m not trying to minimize this, don’t get me wrong. Sure, everyone has to hit rock bottom, and I understand finding religion is good for folks. My own father had problems before he stopped drinking. But he was Tolerant. He didn’t yell and scream at the top of his lungs to every person he met about the wonders of Jesus and how the man changed his life. And this is the big problem I have with folks like this. They don’t know when to stop. Like Mr. Cracker, who just kept on with his spiel.
“Huh,” I said. “That’s a sad tale. I’m glad the church thing is working for you.” I was trying to end the conversation, but I couldn’t get away from this guy. He just kept on.
“Yeah, I just felt compelled to stop and welcome you to the neighborhood and see if you wanted to come to my church. It’s a great place and people are warm and friendly.” Now, I was starting to get that thing in the back of my brain that makes me turn into an asshole when I’m confronted by people like this. There’s a level of bullshit I’m willing to listen to and take and when you get to that point, my gloves come off and I go for the jugular. I was about to start undoing the straps on my verbal tirade, hoping this guy would take the hint and go away. He just kept on me like a pit bull.
“It’s like I said, I’ve already got a church and it suits me just fine.”
“Where is that?” he asks.
“My church is the world, I feel I can find god anywhere in it. I have my own faith, thanks.”
“Well how do you find god and Jesus without going to a church?” he asked, and that’s when my asshole meter started going into the red.
“I find organized religion unnecessary, actually.” And when I said that, he just looked at me as if I had slapped him.
“Why is that? Religion has helped me a lot. And I think it can help you too.” I was starting to loose my cool, and I don’t know if he could sense it or not, but I tried one last time to be diplomatic.
“While I can understand that religion has saved you, and God showed you the way, and you have found Jesus and gotten off of whatever it was you were on, and I thank you for stopping by, but really I’m not interested.” Fine, cool, calm, and collected. I thought this would be the ending of it. But no, he had to say something else. This Cracker white man “Born again” fuck had to keep on.
“Yes, it has, friend,” he said with a smile of crooked teeth. “And I think Jesus can save you too.” And that was it for me. I had had about all of this guy I could take. And one last time, one final time I said, trying to be diplomatic, “I’ve been saved, thanks; I’m okay in that department. Really, I don’t have time for this chat anymore.”
“Then why don’t you go to church?” he said again. That’s when my asshole meter went into the red all the way full bore. I stopped, took a breath, and went on the following rant at him.
“Because Jesus is a zombie, that’s why. Because the church isn’t good for anything but getting together and gossiping about other people. Because I have better things to do with my time than go make nice with people I really don’t like in the first place. Because I tend to think that all nature is my church, and I feel spiritual wherever I am, not just in an edifice built by man when I can go out in my back yard and be in a garden built by the goddess, mother earth. I’m doing fine without your zombie cult, thank you very much. So please, be on your way, you aren’t getting a convert today, so I guess you’ll have to go somewhere else to find someone who will join your voodoo cult. Thank you and goodbye.”
He stood there as if I had just slapped him in the face. Which I had, but you know the guy had it coming. So, he said, “Fine. It was nice meeting you, and I’ll pray for you.” Then he got back in his car (that was still running, mind you) and drove away in a huff. I couldn’t help but smile as he did. I like to push buttons sometimes, and this guy had buttons all over him. Like I said earlier, I’ve no problem with anyone’s faith. However you find strength and faith is perfect for you and no one else. Keep it to yourself. Where I have a problem is with this type of person, the one who wants to have you join him and won’t stop until you either agree with them or piss them off. I find it hard to understand why this type feels the need to get in your face about religion, as if they found the only true way and path to god. And any other way is wrong, or somehow will lead you to hell.
There’s a saying, the same as the title, which I like to live by. It’s actually simple if you think about it. Before Cracker Whitey came over on the boats, there was a relatively peaceful group of people who lived in this hemisphere that were native to the lands. They had their own personal philosophy, their own gods, and they got along just fine and dandy. Then, Cracker Whitey came in and started trying to convert them to Christianity. They put shoes on the people, and dressed them in modern clothes, and put them in churches as a way to integrate them into society so they would no longer be considered “savages”.
Well, you know what? I kind of like being a savage. I kind of like to believe the way I do. It works for me. I’m happy. I have faith in a spirit that guides me and helps me feel good about my life. I don’t need anything other than that. I get along just fine so I don’t need the shoes, thanks. My moccasins are doing okay by me.
So if you feel the need to stop me on the street and harangue me about going to church, following scripture, finding Jesus or anything like that, you will find my response cold, and unforgiving. I can’t believe that there are people out there who feel it necessary to tell me about how they live their life. I also find it hard to understand, that while the teachings of Jesus are about tolerance, and love, and forgiveness, that these same Zealots are the ones who don’t follow their own god’s tenets. They are probably the most unloving, unforgiving, and intolerant people around. And you know the type because you have been accosted by folks like this before, I’m sure.
Now I know I’m probably going to hell for saying some of the things I said to the guy but here’s the thing. I’m sure he’s praying for my soul, so I should be okay. And, I really don’t believe in the whole, “fire and brimstone, eternal torment in lakes of flame” kind of hell like most people do. The truth is, no one knows. And I’m not going to start worshipping god the way other people do, simply on the chance of the mysterious “What If?” that I hear from some of the “Born agains” who want me to join them in their holy crusade. You want to believe that? Bully for you. Me? I’ll keep my sandals on thanks. There are many paths to God, and my path leads to the natural world, and that church is just fine by me, thank you very much. And here endeth the rant.